Traitor Nin
by Lin7 M12i
Summary: Conversations with traitors, teachers, students, and friends on being Ninja and the state of being. Drabble length AU pieces surrounding the Konoha Eleven as traitors.
1. Intro, Neji, Naruto, Tenten

[Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto] 

A casino is a place to throw fortunes to the wind. Poor men can become rich and rich men may be beggared, all of them. Or is that simply the illusion cast by their free spending atmosphere, the atmosphere of a place where all are wealthy and all may become millionaires. It is the allure of the game show, the trap of the opportunity without ever seeing the outcome.

But what of those that play the casino for the win? For life, as it were?

Any Ninja worth their salt would tell you that illusions and false promises are much of what ninja can offer you. They can offer you cold steel when it whets their interest, or their pocketbook. A gentle touch, entertainment and companionship could be your order, except you wish for something more than a geisha. The joy of supporting local community business, one which asks no questions other than the order of the day. There is a Ninja for every job one might desire, and there is frequently even an outlet to acquire those services from. Their lives lead similar conclusions to those of casino-dwellers, in that they leave beggared – in body, if not in wealth – or rich, in goods if not in spirit.

Ninja know the costs of their profession. They know the gains. And more than anything, they know that the world is not yet ready to be rid of them. So they will continue to do violence upon it, to wreak the will of the highest bidder and the most powerful force. Some will carve out their own stakes and try to protect them, becoming hidden villages within nations, still others would carve their names upon the world with greater promises, such as Salamander Hanzo did in Rain Country. The greatest Ninja are remembered and revered by their nations, their enemies, and all those that encountered them upon the battlefield. Some of these names are whispered deep into the night, meant to frighten tired children. Other names bring hope to those that are lost or saddened, as the tales of their struggles are the struggles of us all. Children everywhere remember the Gallant Jiraiya in this way, for few recall him as terrifying or even marginally threatening – despite his incredible prowess.

Yet all of these Ninja played the game. They drew the cards that fate dealt them and played for many rounds, perhaps even trying their hands at metaphorical games of dice or janken.

* * *

><p>"Fate follows us all. Or does it lead us. Perhaps it waits by the wayside, stalking our footsteps like a haunting voice. I have known fate to lead me, and I have seen myself shape fate. We are creatures of fate, yet also creatures of our own desires. There is no knowing what is the ultimate incarnation of our fate, be it a culmination of our own actions or of the madness that is the will of the Kami. I know that I will fight the Kami, and I may even win, the first or second time. But none can hold off the chains of fate for all time, and it will consume me in the end. For there is truly one fate awaiting us all, despite what some would seek and others appear to have achieved. I do not fear its approach, despite my curiousity towards the machinations constructed around us. Hounding, pushing, pulling, driving us through our lives; I chose to escape the millstones which were first placed upon me. Perhaps my trade of one geas for another has not lengthed my fate any, but I find myself at peace."<p>

**_Hyuuga Neji_**, traitor-nin to Konoha

* * *

><p>"Believe it! I am Hokage! They have banished me and denied my existence, but I lead them through the Will of the Fire. There is jinchuuriki, bijuu, and there is Uzumaki Naruto, the true Hokage of Konohagakure!"<p>

**_Uzumaki Naruto_**, traitor-nin to Konoha.

* * *

><p>"Ninja is a weapon. It is many things, but in those days of war and bloodshed, ninja were weapons first and foremost. Sometimes - or in the hands of some individuals or groups - it seems like a precise tool, exercised with great care and measurement; in others it is an indiscriminate means of destruction; perhaps it has even been a brutal surgical implement. How this weapon is used, how it is balanced with the other tools at the disposal of our leaders; is put to their discretion. I do not know if I was used well, but I know that now I alone control the injuries I inflict. My flight, path, journey, or application of force is solely my responsibility, and I accept that with great pride and honor."<p>

**_Tenten_**, traitor-nin to Konoha.


	2. Hinata, Shikamaru, Lee

[Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto] 

"I am afraid of myself. I have seen what my hands have wrought, be it in private or in public, and the outcome makes me freeze up. I do not understand why I am so capable at destroying all people hold dear, but I know that I am a master of it. I hope that they will forgive me, for I have nothing left to hold within my sight to destroy. That was a final gift from _her_. The only chance remaining is for my hands to touch myself and destroy everything _she_ touches. For I am she and she is I. We destroy indiscriminately without regard for our safety, and there is nothing else in our world. The ones who love us must not be allowed to save us again, but we can save them. From our self, and from all who would seek to hurt them. Now if only my own mastery of selves could save us from the enemies we've amassed, perhaps my hands would come clean. They do not shake any more, not even when encountering Naruto or waiting for that single disturbance in nature around me. We are the heart, and my Hokage has never needed our eyes to know all that may occur within his domain."

**_Hyuuga Hinata_**, traitor-nin to Konoha

* * *

><p>"There is sometimes only one path before us with favorable outcomes, and it is not always one that we agree with. This does not mean that we will not take it, but simply that we approach it with reservations. Or maybe we don't have those reservations because it's impossible to tell the difference. When given the opportunity to cut through the opponent's defenses in a clear move with few conceivable drawbacks, you take that move. Disruption of the enemy position while enhancing your own is a means to the end of maintaining superiority. No matter how that move appears to the world, taking the best possible move is never a falsehood, or a crime. It is simply cutting down the distance between yourself and victory. Just remember, it can be troublesome if you didn't really analyze all the angles, and you're not the only player.<p>

"Sometimes the best moves look easy to discern but you totally missed something, suddenly the enemy is closing in on you and your options are limited. So think on choices in the time you're given, and try not to get too out of position. Remember, 'If the players cannot be relied upon to make decisions consistent towards the goals you believe them to be aiming for you must prioritize a well rounded defense or a crushing offense.' Or some thing like that... Feh, I give up.

"Did I pick this troublesome option because it was the best one? I don't know, but there were a series of very poor moves by several other players that didn't leave me with great options. Am I blaming anyone in particular? That would make my life even more troublesome, go away."

**_Nara Shikamaru_**, traitor-nin to Konoha

* * *

><p>"The creative process is much like the process of fighting. It can be lightning fast and destructive, or lightning fast and inspirational. It could be full of holes that are only filled in with diligent practice and insane amounts of reworking. Sometimes there is a brutal beating involved, or perhaps crushing despair. But most of all, all things in life could do with a little bit more hard work, and people are never willing to just put forth that work into the system. Decades of effort have been put into my pursuit of physical technique, and I now find that there is so many pieces that seem to bring it all together. My quest to create something, rather than working to replicate has only just begun. Perhaps flashes of insight can carry us through many of the obstacles, but mastery – never to be confused with perfection, which is as unattainable as it is indescribable – is only found in hard work."<p>

**_Rock Lee_**, traitor-nin to Konoha


	3. Kiba, Shino, Chouji

[Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto] 

"So I made a few bets that I probably shouldn't have, what's your point? The same could be said about the nudity, the drunkenness, the joyrides, and even that attempt to create a summoning contract using sex jutsu - though I would do that again in a heartbeat even if it didn't work. I mean, sure, the whole being "declared rogue" thing kinda sucks, along with the whole "massive bounty on my head". But hey, a bunch of my friends are out here too, some of them for dumber stuff then what I did and I was getting bored with the same shit. I mean, it's not like the people close to me didn't understand it, and not all of it was that bad – some of it was pretty fucking funny. But there are a few things I don't think they'll let slide.

I'm pretty sure that the graffiti wasn't a big problem until we stole those big statues and did Kami knows what with them; that time with the fire - Arson, that's what they said it was, and the subsequent escape; the reports that we didn't manage to destroy and witnesses we were too busy to Genjutsu present an issue as well; the big problem for me is probably that bombshell in the capital, or maybe _Akamaru's_ total fox in Kusagakure. Plus I've got a royal ass-kicking waiting from Mom coming, so I think I'll wait till she cools off a bit.

I mean, it'll be sweet if the baby really is mine and it's not just a trap, but I'd like to meet the kid and not just for a, "Hey, I'm about to be executed for crimes against everybody" meeting..."

**_Inuzuka Kiba_**, traitor-nin to Konoha

* * *

><p>"The good of all can be difficult to achieve. My actions were certainly against the standards set by the community, and I acknowledge that it is difficult to assert that I am assisting the group by my voluntary exclusion from it. It may be particularly difficult to comprehend that the decisions which led us to our current status within our home nation and several others, but the incredible shifts in our own capacity to reliably judge and protect the security of Konoha has been a great windfall. True, the actions and decisions appear to largely disconnected and possibly insane. I can directly attribute some of the problems which have arisen in our new lifestyle to mistakes made during periods of extreme inebriation; including tattoos, other permanent body alterations, at least two haircuts, a dye job, multiple sexual encounters, the attempt to create a summoning contract, and even the integration of a wild colony - and I speak only of personal mistakes and not the list which we only attempted to compile once and failed at, for reasons that should be clearly obvious upon attempting to obtain an accurate account of any activities.<p>

Radically irrational behaviors aside, I cannot help but emphasize my own desire to see the advancement of Konoha, even at the exclusion of myself from that community. In fact I speculate that this exclusion may be beneficial to my continued health, despite the apparent shifts in the mental health of all known associates. I vehemently agree with my former teammate in the suspicion that Inuzuka Tsume's reaction to the news of traitorous behavior may be (or have been) unnecessarily violent, and my own hive may be similarly ostracized from its fellows upon return. For those reasons it is quite logical to seek connections with other communities, exercise my protection from a safe distance, and enjoy the companionship I have gained."

**_Aburame Shino_**, traitor-nin to Konoha

* * *

><p>"Have you see the onigiri in Rice Country? Or how about chili in Iwa, you should try it. Mist serves the greatest sashimi I've ever encountered. Bird Country does serve excellent duck, as you may have speculated; I actually assumed it would be the best available, but Rain Country was destined to have the greatest meal I've ever tasted with duck in it. Admittedly, there's a beautiful poignancy to eating foods at that one place, oh Kami, I can't remember the name of the restaurant, but it's divine. Grass makes a good variety of foods, and their grains are continually trading with Cloud's grains for the best in the land - last year it was Cloud, but I think that Grass has the edge with the season. Fire Country, it still maintains the best ramen and dango stands, but for the most part I can make traditional Fire Country recipes, so going home doesn't have quite the flavor it could - though I did get a summoning contract just to get Ichiraku's out of there without having to infiltrate, it just doesn't taste the same when I'm watching out for ANBU.<p>

Okay, so that doesn't sound too good, but I try not to let the whole situation bring me down. We're not going back any time soon, and we all need hobbies. It's not like we committed high treason or any thing, it's just an extended vacation... with bounty hunters. Dad always said that that's the only type of vacation he ever got though. My experiences have been incredible out here, and even though I miss some of the comforts of my old life, I wouldn't trade the food and companionship for anything. My plan is to go home when I find a nice girl to settle down with. 100 kg and 180 cm, looking for love; call me!"

**_Akimichi Chouji_**, traitor-nin to Konoha,

P.S. Seeks cute girl to take home and help convince them that he's not a traitor. Also make parents proud.


	4. Sakura, Ino, Dolphin

[Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto] 

"Could you believe that guy? Seriously, would not take _no _for an answer. I wasn't even flirting _that_ much with him. And anyways, just because he's some noble brat doesn't mean I should just _wet_ myself in anticipation of his favor. Shikamaru is better at dealing with women, and he doesn't even talk if he can avoid it. The response may have been unwarranted, but Sakura was on my side! And we were drunk, so it seemed like such a good plan. No, I don't know how that cadaver ended up in his bed. Nothing about the priceless diamonds either. Or whatever else they trumped up to charge me with. They'll get the story straight someday, and when they do I'll flaunt my righteousness at them. No, that's not me on the security tapes. Yes, I do have a tattoo right there and Sakura's is matching. You can see it in my latest movie, it was _so_ hard to work on. "

**_Yamanaka Ino_**, traitor-nin to Konoha

* * *

><p>"Oh God. I don't even want to go into it. Ino was all over this guy, and there was booze, and somehow I find myself being talked into all sorts of things. Robbery, tattoos from Naruto, confessions of love, vandalism, going Missing-Nin, saving Fire Country two or three times, at least one army, dabbling in erotic fiction, making a deal with a demon, and do not even get me started on that sex tape I keep hearing about…"<p>

**_Haruno Sakura_**, traitor-nin to Konoha

* * *

><p>"I must say, having not just one, but <em>twelve<em> of your former students go missing-nin is a quick way to get your career stalled. Hokage-sama was very understanding with my desire to get out of the public eye for a little while and approved my entry into her personal ANBU. Pending some supplementary training alongside their Jounin instructors and the changing of her entire personal guard. While it seemed initially quite unwise to have not just one, but _five_ suspected leaks among her personal guard, it swiftly became clear why she wanted it to be us.

The old lady set the kids up. She set them up so hard, and then the kids ran with it so far that everything got a bit too out of hand. I'll admit, there's always been a little bit of unpredictability to anything Naruto touches. Exams, chairs, clothes, apartments, monuments, none of it was immune to his ability to cause incredible chaos with just a bit of resourcefulness. Combine that with Shikamaru's ability to swiftly exploit the weaknesses of his opponent, Sakura's analytical mind, Shino's logic, Neji's and Hinata's insightfulness, and... well I can't think of what benefits Ino, Chouji, Lee, and Tenten add over the others, but it should have certainly been enough to prevent the tidal wave of idiocy they engaged in. I tried, desperately, to understand exactly what came over them to essentially try to turn the entire Fire Capital on it's head before beginning an adventure of sex, drugs, booze, insane battles, espionage, a revolution in Sound, and everything else that seemed to happen.

I can't. It doesn't make any sense. Maybe if they were all having collective hallucinations that required performing actions that would bring diplomatic victory and complete personal defeat. Somehow they convinced the squabbling daimyos to negotiate a peace treaty while declaring war on the Uzumaki Naruto Caravan Attacking Neatly Ninjified in Yellow. Ninjified is not a word, first of all. Secondly, yellow is a terrible color- you know what, I'm not going to bother with that one. UNCANNY would go on to be associated with the most ridiculous string of activities within the capital. Either way, Tsunade said the whole thing was a big joke that Naruto came up with. Why? She said it had something to do with a mission she had set up and that Jiraiya had screwed over. None of it made any sense with the things they did.

The Daimyo's daughter seems to genuinely have a thing for Kiba, at least if the begging for his life is real and isn't just so that she can take it herself. The robbery of a prince by a blonde and pink haired duo with matching tattoos would have made sense, if it was done with any subtlety or as a mission for someone else; instead, his diamonds resurface in a Cloud Country gambling den, along with several tapestries, two statues stolen from the Fire capital, a new explosive note design that blasts the clothes off of whomever it's slapped on, and a sex tape featuring both hair colors and the use of aforementioned explosive note. Capture of Uchiha Sasuke, bonus; new government in Sound, bonus; medical notes of Orochimaru, highly coveted; delivery by ballistae bolts slamming into the Hyuuga compound's courtyard, not appreciated. Peace with Cloud surfaced awhile later, apparently after a visit by several of them. We're not totally sure what occurred, but we're not totally sure that we want to know the full details.

I'll admit, at the end of the week when a messenger bird just arrived detailing the intent of Team Gai to follow the others, we expected news of some sort of great battle. We later realized that we simply hadn't calculated the inital damage reports on the bar scene of the Fire Nation capital or Tanzaku Gai correctly, and there was a large number of spherical-shaped damages to go with the incredible amount of steel and alcohol consumed. We can't accurately detail who to attribute the other damages to, because witness accounts become increasingly difficult to comprehend as the week goes on. Our ANBU reports from the capital range from seeing the release of the Kyuubi to waking up with incredible memory loss and a phone number slipped into their waistband. When a massive seal residue was discovered on the outside of the city wall, we tried to reconstruct it to no avail, and the unconscious people - the Daimyo's daughter included - were of no assistance in detailing what had occurred. We suspect that several of the traitors were involved in the assassinations of no less than four known corrupt officials, three crime bosses, and the arson which destroyed the palace gardens.

My students are quite skilled at wreaking complete and utter havoc.

I blame Jiraiya.

**_Umino Iruka_**, "Dolphin", Personal ANBU to the Godaime Hokage


	5. Gamakichi & Gamatatsu, Tsume, Shizune

[Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto]

"This is a tremendous honor, it's great to see that we're getting the credit and respect deserved to summon animals everywhere. This is it Tatsu! We are the first milestone in the great history of the Toads of Mount Myouboku, soon we will star in our own comic books! No! Video games! No! We will lead the charge as stars in our own hit movie! Gamakichi & Gamatatsu: Warriors from the Myouboku Mountain! Haha! Pops will be so proud, Manda will never live this down. Or do you think "Toads of Battle" would be better Tatsu? … Tatsu?"

* Crunch * "Kichi…what are you talking about?"

"Damnit Tatsu! We really have to focus here. If we screw this up, who do you think they'll interview next for information about Naruto?"

"But you didn't say anything about Naruto at all. You just talked about how awesome it was to get this interview.

"Sh-shut up Tatsu! If you're so smart why don't you say something about Naruto."

"So, I've gotten some great snacks from Naruto lately-"

"Shut up Tatsu. Nobody gives a damn about your snacks."

"Oi! Watch the language about the snacks."

"They want to know about Naruto, and your snacks don't care."

"Naruto-niisan gave me these snacks, and I don't think they appreciate or deserve these insults."

"Please, don't judge all of us based on him. He's an idiot. I can regale you for hours with the great deeds we've performed over the -"

"Yeah, well who's the one that Naruto summons more often!"

"Fuck you! That's just because he just says, 'Snacks' and you take every command. He actually tries to have a conversation with me!"

"Hey, we've got a healthy relationship. Each of us know what we want and how to get it."

"Just wait till I tell Shura about your 'healthy relationship' with Naruto, she'll be all over me like flies on sweets."

"Doubt it, you should have seen her after Haruno's last book came out. She was asking me if we'd ever done any 'experimenting'."

"…"

"So….the snacks Naruto gets me have been steadily improving in quality and variety over the past few years. There's definitely been less snacks from Fire Country, or at least less of the really high quality ones… I think Niisan needs to visit more often, because he's so broken up about the whole "missing-nin" thing that he can't even eat the snacks he loves so much." * Blows Nose Loudly * "I don't know how he lives without those wonderful flav-"

"Damnit! I've got a snack for you right here!"

"Ow! Damnit Kichi! Why don't you do the interview if you know so much better?"

"I'll kill you for this Tatsu! How dare you ruin my chance to be a star!"

"Help! Shura-san, come quick, Kichi's touching me!"

* Loud Squeeing Sound *

[Interview cut short due to screaming Toad Yaoi fangirls]

_**Gamatatsu** & **Gamakichi**_, Favored Toad Summons of Uzumaki Naruto

* * *

><p>"When I see my son I'm kicking his ass six ways from Sunday. Then I'm going to take him to visit the princess, and then I'm going to kick his ass for another week. Maybe I'll buy myself a dress with some of this money he supposedly stole, but I'll have Kuromaru biting his ass while I'm getting it fitted. While I'm sleeping I'll have Hana kick his ass, and if she ever runs into him again and <em>doesn't<em> bring him home I'll kick her ass too. Shino too, and I'll cuss the shit out of Hinata, they both should have known better than to go along with whoever's stupid plan this was. Or at least talked him out of it, I mean who goes on a date with a princess and _sleeps_ with her and gets away with it. We didn't do that while on diplomatic missions in my day. Or at least we didn't do it very often! And we took responsibility for the consequences instead of running off and doing Kami knows what across the entire Elemental Nations.

When we did go on holiday, we had the decency to apply for time off, send our mothers on cruises, take the missus on a nice honeymoon, help get your idiot sister a boyfriend, maybe put down in our will that all our earthly belongings were left to the immediate family… * Crunching Sound * So that when we DIE for being completely incompetent buffoons it goes to someone like your mother! Do you hear me Kiba! I bet he can hear me! He always had a sixth sense for that. * Sniffles * He could always tell when I was mad at him … He'd run off and hide in the kennels and play with the puppies until dinner time * Soft Crying * I just miss him so much. I want him to come home.

If you see him, tell him that I love him. I love him and his bastard child… I even like the princess, though I did have strong words with her regarding just _how_ she allowed things to escalate so far. That I love him so much I'm going to kick his ass!

Tsunade would back me up, since I know that she already snuck off to kick Naruto and Sakura's asses. If the rumors are true their instructors did the same thing. After I let the Daimyo grill him and threaten to behead him I'll let him stew in prison for a few days before I break him out and get the Daimyo to marry the two idiots. I might even kick his ass again while I'm at it, but I'll get him some medical attention afterwards so he doesn't look bad for the wedding photos. Kiba! Get home right now or I'll kick your ass!"

**_Inuzuka Tsume_**, Matriarch of the Inuzuka Clan

* * *

><p>"It's a disgrace that this mockery of justice is allowed to continue! At least give them a pardon and the same allowances that Jiraiya-sama and Tsunade-sama had! Yes, I know that they'll have to answer for all their crimes against multiple nations, including our own, but they're loyal! I know that most of their missions are so classified that official documentation doesn't exist… Or perhaps they're engaging in freelance missions for the good of Konoha – But nevertheless! All… well most of their activities help us. All right, maybe fifty percent. Possibly less, but no lower than twenty-five percent. Actually I can't say that any accurate measure of their activities can be taken because there are so <em>many<em> things they're involved in.

Espionage, assassination, protection, demolition, retrieval, destruction, noise pollution, psychological warfare, attacks on personal and emotional security; they do it all for our village. It's debatable just _how_ they planned on achieving these objectives – certainly _I_ didn't approve any of their secret missions… Tsunade probably didn't either. Whoever did come up with their plan to infiltrate Kumo as adult performers, alcoholics, a donkey, and a two-headed ogre should probably be committed though. Chouji's plan to go as an eating contest participant worked fairly well though, almost well enough to make up for the plan to parachute into the village.

The Village Hidden in Clouds.

Parachuting.

Actually I have a sneaking suspicion that our newest black ops division doesn't so much work around clearly designed mission objectives and planning, but something that resembles mission guidelines. Extremely vague guidelines. Perhaps guidelines that were designed by a moron. I sometimes suspect that their guidelines are taken from the random pieces of paper that Tsunade drools on during the hours I cannot watch her. It has been times like that that the concept of "plausible deniability" no longer becomes necessary, because no Kage in their right mind would ever approve of such mission details.

As far as black ops divisions go, ANBU is much more organized and structured… Clearly, all of them would shine in ANBU – with some behavioral changes. Jiraiya's secret service, and some of the research opportunities Tsunade took up during our journeys would be a closer fit to whatever training and espionage they run. ROOT is closer to whatever it is they're engaging in, at least on the surface. But I have doubts that Danzo would ever have sanctioned a mission where the operatives not only sleep with the target objective, but also leave accurate contact information for arranging further dates. Seriously! The Mizukage isn't even that attractive. And spreading rumors of her Kekkai Genkai making her a – and I quote – "Demon Kage in the sack" helps no one! Last I heard she has a standing SSS-class mission to contact the group and discuss a further arrangement.

The mission is listed as SSS-class because it's common knowledge that contacting the Eleven is not only dangerous, but often embarrassing, life-threatening, and frequently results in the only valuable data collected being printed on the naked bodies of your ninja in permanent marker. And I mean permanent. Anko has like seven new tattoos because she keeps going on "solo Hunter missions to retrieve the traitors". Everyone has seen her in those Blonde, Pink, and Purple series tapes. Jiraiya schedules regular screenings in the Jounin lounge. I shut them down weekly. The debates about her natural hair color continue to the bar. I would shut down the bar, but any shinobi who enters the bar ends up intoxicated!

I keep waiting for the Hunter-nin to come back with their heads, and then I'll have to pay out the bounty and won't be able to do anything about it. Tsunade-sama will never recover! It will be worse than last time and who will take care of her? Me! Not to mention the horrible habits they must be getting into out there. Naruto-kun will never take care of himself without good supervision and I don't believe for a second that Sakura will keep him in line. _She's_ too busy writing those terrible books. And don't even get me started on the rest of them. Half of them are as bad as she is, or they won't speak up. Like Hinata-chan! So cute and beautiful, and an incredible ninja, but ten minutes around Naruto and she won't know which way is up. Next, he proposes going skinny-dipping in volcanic hot springs! I was there when they blew up a lake! Then they found those cannons…"

**_Shizune_**, Hokage's Assistant and Tsunade's Head Apprentice


	6. Gaara, Team 5, Naruto 2

[Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto] 

*Ksssssh*

"Who are you?"

"…"

"Who are you?"

"Mmph!"

"You are not a sand-nin. How did you get into my chambers?"

"Mrph!"

"Identify yourself or face the consequences."  
>"Mrrrrrrmph! Hrmhm! Rnmphr!"<p>

"So be it"

*Ksssssh – Whump*

"I expect Kankuro's interrogation techniques will loosen your tongue."

[Interviewer will return after making an appointment]

**_Sabaku no Gaara_**, Fifth Kazekage

* * *

><p>"What? The Boss? He's great! He'll be a better Hokage than that obaachan any day. Wait, she's not around, right?"<p>

"No, Konohamaru. Tsunade-sama has better things to do than keep track of idiots like you"

"Che! Idiot, who's the idiot here? The one who the Boss taught the Rasengan or the one who keeps asking the Giant Forehead for tips! Neh, she's not around either, right?"

"Dumbass! Respect your elders and betters! And Sakura-sempai is a great ninja who could kick your ass with one finger."

"Oi oi oi! Naruto beat the old woman Hokage in that same challenge! I'll take her on any day."

"Oh, like you're better than Naruto-niisan! He was _cool_ while you're still a _fool_. Nyeh!"

"Moegi-chan, what's with all of the insults? I thought you liked me?"

/mumblemumble/"Do" /mumble mumble/ "like…."

"What was that, I can't hear you?"

"Asshole! I said I do like you!"

"Owww!"

"Hmph!"

"Here Konohamaru-san, let me help you up."

"Thanks Udon, I don't know what's up with that girl."

"No comment."

"Eh, really? Wait, where did she go?"

"That way."

"WAIT! MOEGI-CHAN! I thought we had a date tonight!"

"GO TO HELL LOSER!"

"Ara, ara. So much anger."

"Yes, Ebisu-san."

"Well, should we find them before we begin our mission?"

"I believe it may be easier to locate and capture Tora-san without their assistance."

"What? How did you know?"

"You only bring your Icha Icha Paradise when we will be busy for a number of hours."

"Urk-!"

"In addition, if I might make a suggestion. You should simply to proceed to the hot springs to begin peeping, as the Jounin Instructor is not expected to participate in D-rank missions."

"…"

"Fainting is another option, but I feel as though you may regret this when you wake up."

"…"

"For instance, I believe it may be to my advantage to simply empty this bag of catnip in the region of your testicles while we are in the range where Tora is commonly found."

"…"

"Using this low level wind jutsu from the Boss and the bag that formerly contained the catnip will allow me to spread the aroma without disturbing the bait."

"…"

"I see the fatal flaw in my plan now, as apparently all cats in the neighborhood appear to be attracted to the odor."

"…"

**Click** "The Boss' recommendation that I always carry a camera for documentation purposes-" **Click** "- has rarely been quite so valuable as today."

_**Konohamaru**, **Moegi**, **Udon**, and **Ebisu**_; Team 5 Genin and Jounin Instructor [cats remain uncredited]

* * *

><p>"So I've heard that nobody believes me when I say I'm the Hokage. They don't know what they're talking about. Total idiots. Yes, I know that they village is constantly required to release statements denying any relation or communication with me and my friends. Yes, I'm aware that we've committed multiple acts of war against various countries - including our own – but we've been trying to smooth these things out.<p>

Look at it this way, we've each made efforts to work things out in one place or another. Hinata totally worked out that peace agreement with Cloud, though she's been evasive about the details. Our "public relations experts" – Ino and Sakura – have been spreading fashions from around the world, and releasing tapes of evidence proving "Hey! We can't be all bad, can we?" Kiba's in tentative negotiations with Fire Country about those pardons…or maybe just his own.

I'll admit, my memories of the time in Mizu are a little bit hazy here and there. I know there was a festival, and that sort of explains everything. Sometimes I sit down with Chouji and talk about this whole festival-tour thing we've got going on. I know he's not having the best luck with women, or maybe he is and he just can't find a nice one to bring home. Nonetheless, we seem to get down to just about every single festival that we can. That's actually why we extended the tour a little bit, because we totally missed the festival in Suna so that we could attend the Iwa-fest.

He's not lying about the chili being that good. It's _divine_.

So me and Cho get down about just what the whole plan is. We've usually discovered that it revolves around the vague notes we get from home, our encounters with people, and the random spying that we do. Shika spends _waaaaaaay_ too much time spying on people. Sometimes when I go to the bathroom I flare my chakra really big to get rid of all the shadows… cause he might be there, ya know. Watching me and stuff. Yeah, I know he's hiding from all of the ladies he gets when he's not hiding.

Seriously, that man is a ladies man. Out of the top ten women any of us have picked up over the course of this journey, five of them have been with Shika. Two of the others were doing public relations videos. The Mizukage's freaky thing she has with Lee just confuses me, and I'm too scared to ask him just what her special thingie – Kekki…Zenki? – does. I tried getting him drunk to get it out of him. But you know, Lee and getting drunk…always a recipe for the evening going straight to hell. And that's why we don't visit samurai any more.

Tenten and Neji tend to be off "perfecting their technique". Whatever it is, they've got to be super good at it by now. I don't even want to discuss it with them really. Unless we have to kill somebody, in which case I bring it up really quietly and they just smile. Then I don't bother them for the next twelve hours or so. Since killing people with your mad skills shouldn't be enough to tell you just how good your technique is. Skilled people…with bodyguards and such…in hardened positions. *snicker* Goddamnit. Sometimes I wonder about our professionalism.

I'll admit it, some of us are a little bit more casual about the whole being traitors thing. Sometimes I don't even think that Ino minds being considered a traitor, with all the flaunting she does of her status as a missing nin. I usually try to take a good attitude about it. I mean we do things for our country nobody else can do…occasionally. I'd like to go back, but there always seems to be something or other coming up. Now if it could be hunter-nin a little less frequently I'd be happy. We've gotten our neutralization time down though. The time required to get the nin intoxicated and disoriented enough to select the tattoo they want and apply it to their body frequently runs over.

I think there was one time when we ran into something like seven hunter squads consecutively. That was one of the benders I think. Akamaru and Shino's colonies might be able to give you the best guesses at what went down…

**_ Uzumaki Naruto_**, traitor-nin to Konoha


End file.
